saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Me recordaron éste meme
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.