@TheGoogleFactz: How to keep calm in traffic jams
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@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved
@scubavelli: "Oh I'll be your relationship status alright..." -me sleeping outside this Taco Bell
@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
@Glittery_Love: I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen ...mosquito bite. What did YOU think I'm talking about? Weirdos!!