How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time