How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Rooting for the overdog
kids play hide and seek like
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company