How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.