How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”