How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Did my cat write this
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I have obtained a hat
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.