How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
181.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.