How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus