@weinerdog4life: How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them.
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@QwertyJones3: [standing next to the boss at the urinal] Ok, don't act weird. "That's some impressive bladder volume, sir."
@Kyle_Lippert: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1) Put a saddle on it 2) Get on 3) Oh god it's destroying the village with fire 4) WHY DIDN'T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!
@Playing_Dad: [Heaven] Me: Can I come in? St Peter: *shakes head no* Me: Was it close? St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really