@weinerdog4life: How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them.
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@Black__Elvis: Bad news: you're unable to get pregnant. Oh no! Is it my uterus, doctor? No, your eHarmony profile says you've seen Star Wars 13 times.
@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam
@3sunzzz: Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I'm snoring we end up having sex. I'm beginning to question whether or not I snore.