How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
You Might Also Like
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Europe. Made in Germany.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Why font matters.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors