@weinerdog4life: How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don't notice you walking up to them.
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@jordan_stratton: Note to Self: In future interviews, don't say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
@KenJennings: "This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!" --me
@juliussharpe: My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.