How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.