@MariyaAlexander: How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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@AndyAsAdjective: The new employee manual at work mislabeled "casual Friday" as "cannibal Friday" & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
@UncleDuke1969: *pulls up pants* Me: It feels like I've got the world's worst wedgie! Proctologist: That's normal. M: ... P: Hey... Have you seen my glove?
@rantingmd: googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen