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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
🤣could you imagine
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.