How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.