Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.