“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.