How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
good work, everybody
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
They’re called werewolves.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Who.
Did.
This?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.