How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker