My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Ironic
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!