How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
You Might Also Like
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Stonehinge
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Trains are just sideway elevators.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.