I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”