This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.