How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
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DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs