How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Who’s your best friend?
drew a comic about my origin story
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.