How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”