*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.