[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
decorating my apartment
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.