If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
For those that worship cheese..
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I just tested negative for patience.