How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.