How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”