I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
still the best tweet of the year by far
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
plums roundup
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.