If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Living the best life.. 😊
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]