Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
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Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Ironic
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Yeah. This was me today.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
what the