Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled