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@ThePoke: How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
@abbycohenwl: Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@kellysdf: Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.
@ShanaRose21: Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
@schumyxxx: When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?", I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too?".
@withanewname: "Honey, it's time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas"
"You mean the birds & the bees?"
"DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!"