HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
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I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”