How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?