How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.