[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.