With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…