How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!