How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Don’t frighten the programmers!
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Not today, today.
Not today.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”