The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
“and how does that make you feel?”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write