After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good