How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
termite twitter scares me
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.