How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
i will not be silenced
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.