HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no