how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
You Might Also Like
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.