Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
i now pronounce you bounced.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.