How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
From Facebook just now…
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box