Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
nature’s most graceful animal
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.