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@liberalcannon: How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
@GrumpyyCat: Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
@josePhDhoran: *Baby presses 'snooze' to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
@Steelers1972: I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
@Marmel: Martin Shkreli in jail: "Can I have an aspirin?"
Jail: "Yes. That will be $197,000."
@dulcetry: Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!