How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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Delightful if true: booby trap.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Ken is short for chicken
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.